Like many first generation immigrants, I feel at some level, displaced. Neither here nor there. A stranger to all lands. And as a stranger, I've learned the tricks to make myself seem familiar. The things to say, the things to do on weekends, the ways to act in different settings.

In the refuge of my own mind, I’m at ease. Free to seek what is true, instead of agreeing with others to seem nice. Free to obsess over some beautiful idea, without coming off as weird. Free to read anything, from people far away in time and space.

This interior-exterior split sounds nice. I can have very low expectations from the outside world, and live a full life internally. Though I know this isn’t true. History has shown that alienation leads to some weird thoughts, and harmful anti-social actions.

So to make friends, and fit in with society in general, I have to be “white”.

It’s hard to pin down what exactly I mean by “white”. To start: individualistic, aloof, risk taking, capitalistic, shallow, with a cool apathy to the point of being dismissive of anything not immediately gratifying. Charismatic, sometimes to the point of being manipulative.

These characteristics aren’t found in all white people. Actually, they’re not found in most white people. And certainly, people of other races exhibit them. The set of characteristics more closely aligns with protagonists in Western TV. Still, “white” evokes the character I’m describing very well, and I suspect I’m not alone.

I find it a bit suffocating to act in this way. But I think ultimately, it’s a small cost to pay for what it gives me: friends.